The FartVac - Suck Up Smelly Farts Before They Escape

Posted: January 12, 2021

The FartVac - Suck Up Farts Before They Escape

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As excited as I know you all are to stick the FartVac up your butt in the name of sucking up smelly farts before they escape into the room, and noses of your family / date / coworkers / fellow citizens waiting at the DMV, I'm afraid the FartVac does not go up your butt. In fact, FartVac explicitly states in its fart vortex usage instructions, "DO NOT insert the tubing into your anus or any other part of your body."

Wamp, wamp.

Consolation prize: you can insert the FartVac very close to your bunghole, maybe even brushing it enough to make your sphincter contract!

A rubber tube connected to a slider zip plastic bag on one end and a blood pressure cuff-style bulb pumper on the other, the FartVac allows you to create a manual vacuum right after sounding your butt trumpet. Pumping on the bulb post-anal exhalation will draw any fetid smells emitted with the gas through an activated carbon filter, and into FartVac holding bag.

Where they will stay until you empty the bag, alone and outside when there's a light breeze to blow them away without consequence.

Orrrr where they will stay until you weaponize the bag, emptying it in the presence of your family / date / coworkers / fellow citizens waiting at the DMV. As payback for their embarrassing disruption of your Zoom meeting. As a means of ending one that stinks with one that stinks worse. Because Karen had it coming. In hopes of smoking out some of those ahead of you in line.

The FartVac, while obviously a prime choice for a gag gift, does not itself appear to be a gag, but a legit "proprietary fart vacuum and activated carbon fart filtering technology" its creators have developed to help with the legit problem of noxious butt burps. I'd give the FartVac a try and report back for you dudes curious about it, but since, much like my shit, my farts don't stink, I really wouldn't be the best tester.

If the FartVac has sucked you in, but you'd prefer to be more subtle in neutralizing the stench of your thunders from down under, check out Shreddies fart-filtering underwear.

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