Ship Your Enemies Glitter

Posted: January 14, 2015
Ship Your Enemies Glitter
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I just read the best analogy of anything ever on ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com: "Glitter is the herpes of the craft world." Oh hell yeah it is. Glitter is hideous. Glitter spreads like wildfire. Glitter gets into crevices you didn't even know you had. And once you get a big pile of glitter on you, you can't get rid of it. Ever. That's why it's also the perfect F you gift to send to your nemeses, enemies, and, most of all, your ex-girlfriend Karen. Completely anonymously, courtesy of ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com.

Remember the punk 24-year-old consultant who recommended your demotion on account of an "appreciable disconnect" between your salary and your performance? He's getting a fat wad of glitter sure to adhere to every fiber of cashmere in his Hugo Boss suit.

And the pub trivia buddy who always, always eats and drinks twice as much as everyone else and then suggests you guys "just split it 6 ways"? Here's an envelope filled with mirrored flecks of evil, McShaderson. Looks like the only trivia question you'll be answering this week is, "How do I get glitter out of shag carpeting and chest hair?"

And the stripper your friend Cornelius hired for your birthday last year who thought she was being festive and doting showering you with glitter during the lap dance? Yeah, you sucked at least an ounce of that shit up your nose, where it lodged in your nasal passageways and caused an agonizing sinus infection that lasted 3 weeks. Enjoy looking like a showgirl at your accounting day job, ma'am.

ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com will send anyone, anywhere in the world "so much glitter in an envelope that they'll be finding that shit everywhere for weeks." The package will also include a note of explanation as to why the recipient is so deserving of this anti-gift that keeps on giving. Buried within the glitter for maximum spillage during retrieval, of course. What won't be included: your name, or any indication of where the sparkly animosity is coming from.

Revenge is a bitch, bitches.

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