Posted: March 17, 2013

SEXCEREAL is the most ingenious display of product spinning and effective branding I've seen since I was 18 months old and my mama transformed spoonfuls of pureed peas into airplanes. Actually, it's even better because it also incorporates gratuitous sexual imagery. SEXCEREAL, officially a "gender-based whole food cereal", is basically granola packed with health food's current favorite buzzwords, such as chia seeds, goji berries, cacao nibs, and bee pollen. Together, they activate interlocks, connect dyna-therms, raise infra-cells, and set mega-thrusters a-go to provide a wholesome breakfast and turn those who eat them by the bowlful into Voltrons of batter dipping the corn dog. Batter dipping the corn dog is a euphemism for sex.

SEXCEREAL begins with a 40% base of gluten-fre oats. From there, slightly varied versions for him and for her add the above ingredients, with male-specific SEXCEREAL also containing black sesame, wheat germ, camu camu, maca, and pumpkin seeds. Edibles that allegedly support testosterone. Lady libido enhancers include ginger, sunflower seeds, almonds, flax seeds, oat bran, and maca, which encourage hormonal balance. Heh, I sense a couple more euphemisms at work here. "Support testosterone" = "Make men hornier" and "Encourage hormonal balance" = "Make women less crazy and emotionally attached".

Do you think it works?

Probably not, huh?

I'm gonna get some.

Hopefully when all is said and done that statement will prove to be both literal and a euphemism.

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