blk. - Black Bottled Water

Posted: March 17, 2012

In: Food ➠ Novelty

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We wondered too, but the answer is no. blk. black bottled water is not part of an SNL skit � la black caulk or Colon Blow. It's a real artesian spring water from aquifers in Canada's Sandiland Forest Reserve. And it takes itself very seriously, claiming to be richly endowed with fluvic minerals and other alchemic phenomena that will turbocharge your life force, despite the fact no one has ever heard of them. Ahhh, Canadians.

Regardless of what it purports to be, what blk. is, is a big black bottle of black, black water. That, from what we gather, tastes like a big clear bottle of crystal clear water. It's basically coffee, without the coffee flavor, aroma, caffeine...without the reasons people drink coffee. It's the Crystal Pepsi marketing ploy in reverse. Slick packaging, visual twist on a cultural mainstay, and a lot of yada yada about making you harder, better, faster, stronger if you drink it.

For those less cynical than we are, or for those just curious why blk. is black, here's the cleanse-your-spirit spiel. Sand in the ground near blk.'s Canadian springs serves as a natural filter, leaving the water taint-free, yet enriched with essential minerals, namely those of the fluvic persuasion. Fluvic minerals are found in prehistoric plant matter buried deep within the earth. They are naturally black and, when added to translucent water, dominate the visible spectrum, and give blk. its name and hook. blk. contains over 77 fluvic and humic minerals, which are chock full of hydrating electrolytes. In addition, the light weight of blk.'s proprietary mineral blend allows the human body to absorb it quickly, and achieve hydration faster than with tap and other pedestrian waters.

blk. water contains no dyes, no artificial flavors, no sugar, and no calories. And, good news, Jewish peoples, it's kosher too.

If you've read this far, you are about to be rewarded. Remember that earlier dig about Canadians? Well, blk. black bottled water is actually an American product. More specifically, a Jersey product (no surprise there--isn't all of the water in Jersey some shade of black?) It's the business venture of brothers Albie and Christopher Manzo. Whose mother, Caroline, is part of the New Jersey flavor of the wacked out, fame whoring casts of the Real Housewives franchise. And probably also the mob.

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