5lb Bag of Kraft Cheese Powder

Posted: August 31, 2013
5lb Bag of Kraft Cheese Powder
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Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if one day I don't want the Kraft Mac & Cheese my mama or Bob Evans serves me. Like, what if I want Kraft mini wieners* & cheese or Kraft Jet-Puffed Jumbo Mallows & cheese? Or, screw all this loyalty to Kraft, what if I want some Pepperidge Farms Milano cookies & cheese? A bowl of Nabisco Shredded Wheat & cheese? A bottle of Snapple Lightly Sweetened Peach Passionfruit Tea & Cheese? What if I want to mix highly processed and artificially colored cheddar cheese dust with milk, and cook it, stirring constantly, over medium heat without all those bastard elbow noodles muscling their way in and Kraft Mac-in' my shit up?

Apparently, if one day I want it, today I got it. All I need do is step back from the 7.25-ounce cardboard box, and head over to the 5-pound bulk bag.

Firehouse Pantry--yes, an online store stocked with foodstuffs and novelties geared towards on-duty firefighters--sells a 5-pound bulk bag of Kraft Cheddar Cheese Powder. They say it tastes great sprinkled onto popcorn and vegetables or liquified and poured over fries and nachos. Also, Firehouse Pantry firemen note:

The manufacturer lists a "Best By" date of 1 year from date of manufacturing, so once the product reaches you, it's about 10 months. However, we've found that if you store it in an airtight container, out of direct sunlight, and at room temperature or below, it easily lasts 2 to 3 years.

Wow! As if Kraft cheese dehydrated to orange powder form weren't tempting enough based solely on flavor! Now trusted representatives from the IAFF are telling me I can set it alongside the Tactical Bacon and 55-gallon barrel of lube in my emergency supplies storage room, and use it anytime over the next 2 to 3 years for survival during a natural disaster or guerrilla attack by vegans and lactose intolerants!

Thanks to Tony G. for submitting the Dude Product Tip and the "I don't know how it's possible you don't have this yet" expression of disbelief.

*In doing extensive research prior to penning this fine piece of journalism, I found that Kraft owns Oscar Mayer, and therefore wieners. They also own Planters Peanuts, CapriSun, Crystal Light, Grey Poupon, and that meatless affront to my palate Boca.

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