The Best Gifts I've Ever Given My Wife, Part 2
It's been not even 2 years since I first wrote about the best gifts I've ever given my wife. So in one way, it seems crazy that I would have compiled a whole, 11-strong list of the best gifts I've ever given my wife, part 2 in such a short time. But in another way, I think it just goes to show what a wonderful, and giving, husband I am. Especially during the tumultuous, depressing, and generally hideous year that was 2020. It was my honor to do whatever I could to present some bright spots and pockets of joy in the form of brown paper packages tied up with string to my wife and personal superhero, She-Ra: Princess of Power's life.
And, yeah OK fine, the nature of my job also means I get sent a lot of free shit.
Regardless, here are the best gifts I've ever given my wife...part 2.
Note: Wifey gifts are priced as they were at printing. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
GLAMFIELDS Ionic Straightening Brush
I have gotten so many blowjobs for this one. ... I joke, I joke. But my wife has definitely described this hair straightening brush as "life-changing." It heats up in 30 seconds and you can literally straighten your hair by brushing it. Apparently, this configuration makes it much easier to smooth and sleek the unruly locks at the back of one's head, plus is much easier to maneuver that traditional flat-paneled straightening irons.
Also, the straightening brush's bristles have 3 levels of heat to choose from on the lower 3/4 of their posts, but the tops are capped with a heat-proof material you can touch and press against without getting burnt.
Chunky Knitted Pouf Stool
I got my wife the dark green one, and she calls it "My Pouf." She rarely sits on it, but "adore[s] the image it creates, both complementing and contrasting with the colors and textures of the living room's rattan chair, gold-flecked couch, and assorted pillows." I think she thinks it really ties the room together.
I, on the other hand, sit on the the pouf stool frequently to Mr. Rogers my shoes on and off, and so can warn you that its 3 legs do not render it the most stable piece of furniture. I almost tip over every time I use it. I think this is another attribute of the My Pouf my wife likes.
Screw-In Wood Floating Shelves
At first I regretted giving She-Ra: Princess of Power a set of 3 of TOMAZIN Woodshop's round wood floating shelves because I realized as soon as she opened them that I would have to drill the holes and hang them for her. But. The hardware (included) and process were pretty simple, and she is happy to have a minimalist and elegant spot on the kitchen wall to feature the small plants she keeps buying from the grocery store and killing a week later.
PediPocket Foot Pocket Blanket
The reasons I gave the PediPocket Blanket as a gift to my wife are: 1) she is always cold; and 2) she has feet that, all winter, and even most of the summer, feel like they exist inside their own invisible cryogenics chamber. This is mostly not my problem, except - except! - when we are on the couch together and she touches me with them. Whoosh! It takes my breath away. Makes me feel like I'm in a Wim Hof workshop. So basically I gave her the PediPocket Blanket so she can stay warm and keep her damn feet to herself.
Clay in Motion Handwarmer Mug
See PediPocket Foot Pocket Blanket entry for information about my wife's general state of being.
For anyone else out there, if toasty hands indoors and out are on your drinking wish list, Clay in Motion's series of Handwarmer Mugs will help counter the degrees of a cold room or chilly spring night with the degrees of a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea.
Rechargeable Emergency Light Bulbs
Power off, light on. It really is as simple as that with these rechargeable emergency light bulbs from JackonLux. My wife was pleasantly surprised I had the foresight to buy such a responsible thing (hint: remember what I said about my job in the intro) and promptly installed them in 3 lamps in my house, plus the ceiling light above the toilet in the bathroom, an area we decided it would behoove us not to have to finagle a flashlight or risk missing the target during a power outage.
Personalized LEGO Minifigure
Still searching for the She-Ra: Princess of Power body, but the head: big LEGO check!
Your personalized from-the-neck-up LEGO minifigure awaits, courtesy of your submitted photos and Funky 3D Faces' 3D printing skills. The Etsy shop will transform any man, woman, or child submitted into a sandstone material head with a 5mm diameter hole on the bottom. A hole in your head you need, for once, because it will allow you to snap your LEGO self onto any standard LEGO minifigure body out there. Cowboy, firefighter, superhero, Chandler Bing, George Costanza, you name it.
Luxafor Flag Availability Indicator
Listen, I know she flips it from green to red based not on whether or not she's working, but whether or not she feels like dealing with me, but nonetheless, she loves this thing. Two people and a terrible cat doing the WFH dance in a condo could be going a lot worse than it is, and I'm not saying Luxafor's Flag Availability Indicator is the sole reason the peace has been reasonably kept, but I'm sure it's a contributor.
Toilet Tag Game for Adults Who Share the Same Potty
Normally I would disregard a game like Toilet Tag, especially given its rampant use of the word "potty" in its descriptions. For example: Toilet Tag is a "game for adults who share the same potty." For another example: Toilet tag is "a funner way to potty." For a third example: By playing Toilet Tag, "You'll grow even closer to your potty partner."
Yuck. For making a point to say this is a game for adults 17 and older only, Toilet Tag sure goes out of its way to write like it's addressing children.
But like I said, normally this is the type of foolish game I'd ignore. Presently though, my wife and I have been spending an inordinate amount of time together. Some of it is good times, some is why'd-we-get-married-again? times, and some is just quiet times. Alone together times because we're doing our own thing, or have just plain run out of stuff to talk about. And it's those times that have proven to be pretty alright Toilet Tag times.
Gloves in a Bottle Shielding Lotion for Dry Skin
I got the first bottle of Gloves in a Bottle I passed along to my wife for free, but the multiple bottles she's requested since then have not been free and, holy crap, Gloves in a Bottle wants a dollar for, like, every piece of dry, flaky skin she has!
It's worth it, though, knowing she's a lot more happy and a lot less scaly as a result.
And if you're wondering what's with the name, unlike most lotions and creams that provide superficial dry skin relief only for a short time - i.e., until you wash, sanitize, sweat, wash dishes, or run your hands repeatedly through your now-flowing shoulder-length locks again - Gloves in a Bottle says its lotion "actually bonds to the outer layer of skin, filling in any gaps and protecting skin for up to four hours while washing and sanitizing until it needs to be reapplied."
Everything Will Kill You Poster
"Everything Will Kill You So Choose Something Fun." That there is good advice, made even better by the excellent image of a man fishing atop the tentacle of a giant octopus. I presented this poster to She-Ra: Princess of Power a few months ago, framed and with a sticky note attached to it that said, "i.e., not COVID."
She loves it as a reminder of the year we made it through in 2020, and a hopeful look ahead to the reckless adventures we'll have again. As my mama always says, "This too shall pass."