Presenting the Alphabet: 21 Gifts that Start with F
For my next alphabetic trick, I have compiled 21 gifts that start with F, and not one of them contains the word F**k! I know, dudes, a trick indeed!
Note: All alphabet gifts are priced as they were at printing on November 7, 2022. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
Fundies - Underwear Built for Two
According to every woman's favorite book, The Five Love Languages, physical touch is the predominant type of love males enjoy receiving, while quality time earns high marks with the ladies. Fundies, a chic pair of tandem tighty whiteys, make it simple for couples to give one another what they need. Just slip them on for both perpetual skin-to-skin contact, and instant elimination of alone time. Everyone's happy, and no one has to "talk about it" or "compromise." Fundies are recommended by 4 out of 5 therapists, and 5 out of 5 fans of the missionary position.
FlipBelt Fitness Storage Belt
One nice thing about the FlipBelt is that it doesn't appear to make you look like you're wearing a fanny pack or running to burn off that spare tire encircling your gut region. Slim, comfortable, and sturdy, the storage belt's Spandex-Lycra fabric and 4 internal pockets can hold anything from music players, cards, and keys to energy bars and gel packs. I'd say it's a pretty logical fitness accessory for runners, hikers, gym rats, and all girls who pedal 1,000 mph on the elliptical machine to Katy Perry mashups with their...ponytails...bouncing right along.
FlipBelt's pockets are built inward, with access via 4 openings around the belt's exterior. Once items are inserted, wearers flip the belt inside out to lock them in place. It has no clasps or buttons and pulls on like a pair of pants for wear wherever is most comfortable. Its makers say it won't move, jiggle, bounce, or chafe, and at only 3 ounces it is easily forgotten, and can also be worn underneath clothing for those who just don't want to tote around a wallet or purse.
Fire Missiles Cigarette Lighter Button
Fire Missiles. A cathartic button for your road rage and, ironically, a healthier insert for your car's cigarette lighter slot than a cigarette lighter. Oh no...wait. I just read the Fire Missiles button actually "functions as a cigarette lighter on some vehicles." Some vehicles? Guess smokers will have to leave it up to the fates and karma to decide whether they should be lighting up while driving or not.
FryAway Cooking Oil Solidifier for Safe & Easy Disposal
Even if congealed oil doesn't build up enough to erect a "Fatberg" and ruin your home's entire plumbing system, it can still coat your home's pipes just like it does your body's arteries, and create clogs. And the alternative, tossing spent cooking oil in the trash, can be messy, smelly, and, if spilled, equally painstaking to deal with.
FryAway is a quick-congeal powder that turns cooking oil from liquid to semi-solid as it cools. The company says it makes it much easier and cleaner to toss oil in the garbage, and eliminates the urge to pour any amount of it down the drain.
FryAway is 100% plant-based and non-toxic. To use it, sprinkle some into an oil-filled pan after cooking, when the oil is still warm, stir it up, and then wait for the oil to cool. Then scoop the gelatinous mass that remains into your trash can.
Fletcher Capstan - World's Coolest Expandable Table
World's. Coolest. Not an understatement. Fletcher Capstan tables do for eyes and dinner parties what Euler's spinning disk does for ears and children with attention deficit disorder: transfixes the former and makes bearable an evening filled with the latter.
Easily, seamlessly, and within seconds, the round Fletcher Capstan Table spins to double its seating capacity, while retaining its flawless circular shape. Expansion leaves stored within the table ascend and self-adjust as the table grows and reverse the process to retract. Operation design can be either manual or electronic.
The fire escape was such an icon (and often a trope) in the TV shows and movies of my youth. Long before then too. But they don't put them on new buildings anymore, and for other security reasons a lot of the buildings that have them installed are removing or deactivating their ladders. I'm afraid fire escapes are on their way to payphone status, and future generations won't even know what they are.
However, we can preserve our fond memories of the zig-zagging slats of steel with a Fire Escape Shelf. This clever piece of home decor mounts to your wall as a pair of ladders connecting 3 platforms, which you can spruce up with candles, small potted plants, and Bruce Lee action figures climbing, dangling, and hanging upside down.
FatIvan Fold Up Door Chock
I don't know if I'd be writing about the FatIvan Fold Up Door Chock if it wasn't called FatIvan, but once the magnetic door holder's brilliant name got my attention, I wasn't sorry I stopped to have a further look. An alternative to a bulky wedge or angle iron, the FatIvan is an easy tool that hooks over any hinge to hold a door in its Open Sesame! position.
And despite its mother's choice of moniker, the FatIvan is lightweight and folds completely flat when not in use, so you - be you a firefighter, a construction worker, or a mama lugging a ton of groceries into the house - can carry it around in a pocket or bag with little hassle.
Firebiner Carabiner & Firestarter
Half-carabiner...half-firestarter. But stronger than both. Ahhh, the Firebiner hybrid is a multi-tool straight out of Underworld.
Firebiner design sticks to the traditional oblong shape and spring-loaded closure of a carabiner. The firestarter addition is subtle from a visual standpoint, the little flickable wheel situated at the tool's bottom left corner. But give a purposeful, Price-Is-Right-style spin along its (replaceable) flint and you'll be able to ignite anything from your campfire after a day of hiking to your nephew's birthday candles after some kid douses all the matches in the pitcher of lemonade he took out trying to whack the pinata.
Floafers Foam Water Loafers
Hayes Brumbeloe created Floafers as a stylish alternative for everyone out there who begrudgingly wears uggo Crocs, Keens, Tevas, or water booties at the beach, pool, or wherever they don't want their "nice" shoes to get ruined. Made from EVA foam, Floafers are waterproof, breathable, fast-drying, anti-microbial, and slip-resistant, but molded to look like a pair of preppy loafers, they won't make your feet look like you have the taste of an 8-year-old.
Or worse, his dad.
These Feisty Pets are the perfect way to teach your kids about the true nature of animals. All cuddly puppy and squishy bear and magical unicorn at first sight, but get too close and...Rrrrrawwwrrr! Back the F off, son, or I'm gonna gnaw your face off! My only criticism is that Feisty Pets didn't also include a stuffed woman in their educational toy line.
Fries on the Fly Universal Car French Fry Holder
When you're driving, fries on the fly usually means fries between the thighs. Fries on the passenger seat in a giant to-go bag that keeps tilting away from you and surrendering fries to the floor and cracks between the seat. And the worst, fries locked up for the entire ride home, taunting you with their wafting crispy potato scents and peep-show of grease through the walls of their white bag jail cell.
Fries on the Fly is a universal car french fry holder that solves all of your driving with fries problems. On the bottom it has a cylindrical tray that slips into any standard vehicle cup holder. And on the top, a hard plastic pocket shaped just like a typical french fry box.
For Rectal Use Only Stickers
At first I wasn't sure if this 500-strong cylinder of instructional labels was a legit medical supply, or intended for the pranks I'll certainly be using them for. The jean shorts artwork on the stickers had me leaning towards the latter, but after reading the product description, nope. "For Rectal Use Only" printed across permanent 1.5" x .375" adhesives is apparently a sought after item in actual clinics, pharmacies, and hospitals.
The description also notes the stickers are for "administrative use," which makes me wonder how my wife would react if I put one on my penis.
ForeverPen - Super Tiny Inkless Keychain Pen
Tiny, mighty, lasts all night, and whether upside down or underwater, is always ready to go. And that's just the tip - the silver tip - of the ForeverPen, a new super tiny inkless pen from World's Tiniest.
Measuring in at just 0.99" long, the ForeverPen is out to prove smaller is better, or at least endlessly more convenient when you want to add a writing instrument to your EDC.
FunKey S - Foldable Keychain Console
The FunKey S, self-crowned the World's Smallest Foldable Console, is a keychain companion for anyone bored on public transit, in the lecture hall, at a work seminar, and in the doctor's office. Or, more appropriately these days, bored waiting for curbside pickup and standing in line to get in Trader Joe's.
Pop open the spring-powered hinge on your FunKey S console and enjoy access to about a dozen different classic consoles, including NES, SuperNES, Gameboy, Playstation 1, Sega Genesis, and Atari. In addition to the satisfying feel of the flip, the FunKey S folding design allows for the largest possible 240x240 IPS LCD color screen (1.54") and controls, plus protects both when the console is closed.
Of all the flexibility and flexible things I could have in my life, I never would have guessed a flashlight would be one of the most valuable. The FLEXIT is a bendable, wrappable, and, thanks to its magnetic rubber base, stickable light source that provides focused illumination for home maintenance and repair work, nighttime navigation, and emergencies such as flat tires and power outages.
Fire Extinguisher Mini Bar
Put out the flames of thirst with a couple fingers of firewater from Kanistroff's Fire Extinguisher Mini Bar. In a further twist on the shop's original twist of turning jerry cans into portable bar cabinets, the Fire Extinguisher Mini Bar trades out the German military jerry can design for one shaped like the perfect housewarming gift for a firefighter, or any dude you know who likes to respond to emergencies...with a stiff drink.
The interior of the Fire Extinguisher Mini Bar is made of laminated MDF, and built with a shelf sized to fit a single full-size bottle of liquor - 1L or Jack Daniel's or Jager, or 0.5L of Jameson, for example. The mini bar also comes with 2 x 7.5-ounce glasses, a corkscrew, and a metal LED flashlight. Uh, I guess that last one so you have light to drink by after you extinguish the fire.
Friendship Test Pin Set
Why do I have to take a friendship test? Cornelius is my bro, he knows I'd do anything for him. Come over and jump his car at 6 a.m. Wingman him at an interpretive dance performance and reception the barista he's horndoggin' it for is helping cater. Wear a silly pin on my backpack...uh...wait. What's that a pin of? Some sort of bulbous cactus or...oh.
It's hairy testicles. A pair of a pair of hairy testicles handmade to be worn by you and your bromance better half to prove the bond between you is stronger than steel. Stronger than balls of steel. Stronger than the humiliation of walking around wearing balls of steel.
Oh nuts, it's the ultimate Friendship Test.
Uh, they look pretty much like insoles to me, but OK, Flat Socks. They're flat socks if you say so. Some other things Flat Socks says about their "socks" worn by your shoe rather than your foot is that they're "No slip. No stink. No show." Well. I definitely believe the last one, given Flat Socks' ultra-thinness, and the fact that you're still essentially barefoot even when you have them on.
Floof Human Snuggle Sack & Floor Pillow
Have you ever dreamed of sleeping, relaxing, living inside a pillow? I haven't...until now. Check out these Floof snuggle sacks and floor pillows from Floof Couture. Designer and seamstress Rose makes a huge line of them for pets of various sizes, but the ones I'm featuring here, they're human-sized, made especially for you nap-seeking dudes and self-care-craving ladies.
First Minute Vest Wearable Survival Kit
The First Minute Vest packs 10 pieces of prepper gear into 7 unassuming pockets distributed across its front. In addition to the element-thwarting vest itself, whose zippers are also waterproof, the gear includes a 60-piece mini first aid kit, emergency whistle, personal water filter, sillcock key, 4GB USD ID card, 6" Israelie sterile bandage, NOAA hand crank radio / flashlight / charger, emergency blanket poncho, and earplugs. You'll also get a larger first aid kit with 81 supplies to keep at home or in your car.
FITLY Minimalist Running Pack
While I maintain a policy of running only in emergency situations, such as being about to miss a flight, or beating people who look like they're headed into the same line or restaurant I am, I do understand others run for exercise and pleasure. Some even call themselves "runners." And so it is for these people, these running people, these runners that I present the FITLY Minimalist Running Pack.
FITLY's packs allow runners to strap water and other personal items to their back in a low-profile, non-chafing kind of way as they speed demon their way around neighborhoods and trails. They feature a Thoracic Belt that sits centered on the ribcage, and both secures the pack, and contains small zippered pockets for holding gels, flasks, IDs, and cash. The pack portion of FITLYs sits flat across the wearer's upper to mid back, and is built with 4 stretch points to ensure it "sticks to your every move" and is hardly noticeable as you run.