Lost in the Woods: 15 Items to Help You Find Your Way

Since 2022 has been so dark and depressing, why don't we try to spread some light throughout the rest of the year. Look here, I've got a Gonex 18,000 lumen flashlight I'm gonna flick on and...huh. Didn't even make a dent. 2022 just sucked that torch's light inside it, and ate it right up like a black hole.

OK, we'll bump up the intensity then. From 18,000 lumens to 25,000 lumens, courtesy of the X9R Marauder Flashlight. A press of the switch, a point of the beam right in the kisser, and...what the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, 2022? Did it even make your eyes water? Are you laughing at me? Are you mocking me and my... what? Measly man-baby lumens?

Aaalllrighty then! I guess it's balls to the wall, all hands on deck, powers aligned, hail Mary, Care Bears Stare time! MS18, get your flash out here! Let's show 2022 the light. 100,000 lumens of light! Powerful enough to sear away darkness and illuminate hope as it blazes through even the bleakest of times. ... Or, you know, up to 135 unobstructed meters ahead.

If I had a nickel for every nickel that's ever gotten me out of a pickle, I'd have...one Shomer-Tec Nickel. Because, holy Thomas Jefferson, dudes, the Shomer-Tec nickel isn't just your average five cent piece. It's also a covert compass you can use to help escape kidnappers and hostile foreign environments, or keep in your car change tray for when your phone battery dies and you need to figure out where the H-E-G-P-S you're going without letting on to the scrutinizing wife sitting next to you that you're lost.

Thor. God of Thunder. God of Lightning. God of Rechargeable LED Lighting. ThorFire's darkness accessory is a collapsible accordion lantern/flashlight with a built-in battery rechargeable via regular 5V USB or its fold-out crank and your own hammer-wielding hand. Suitable for indoor use during power outages, and outdoor use during camping trips, or any other dark conditions in need of easily accessible light, the ThorFire lantern has High and Low settings that give off 125 and 30 lumens respectively.

Accurate. Works day or night. Functional without satellite, cell tower, or batteries. However, using the Ranger Pace Counter will require focus and baseline mathematical skills. So it's still not for everyone.

The strand of beads is a classic military and outdoorsman tool. Sure, we have much more sophisticated and precise distance measuring tools now, but the truly prepared will always learn the basics of land navigation because, as one reviewer points out, "GPS batteries do die." And a bracelet with plastic beads weighs a lot less than a smartphone or other handheld navigator.

The HyperWhistle takes its World's Loudest Whistle title not from Guinness, but from a mustachioed dude with a sound meter doing a review on YouTube. In the video, he hits a "personal best" 143 decibels with the HyperWhistle, and while I don't know if there are louder lung-powered noisemakers out there, I do know that 143 decibels is louder than a police siren, a jet engine, and fireworks.

But not quite as loud as Italian conversation, the Civilization V opening theme, and a shampoo bottle falling off the ledge in the shower, according to the world of memes.

In addition to its peak output, the HyperWhistle says it has an audible range of over 2 miles. That's great news for people lost in the woods or broken down on a boat, but terrible news for those within a 2 mile radius of an 8-year-old kid whose uncle gave him a HyperWhistle for his birthday.

Oh boy, time for an adventure! ... O-BOY, that turned into Mordor quickly. Send your satellite signal, share my GPS coordinates, and come get me, please, oh trusty rescue watch.

The O-BOY Watch is a forthcoming timepiece for outdoor enthusiasts that uses a private satellite constellation to send custom messages, SOS signals, and track points. It differs from similar devices currently available because it isn't limited to cellular network coverage areas. O-BOY's private satellite network can send / receive signals independently from local carriers, and anywhere in the world, regardless of how remote. Middle of the ocean. Middle of the desert. Middle of the forest...you get the picture.

You don't need a monthly or annual subscription to use ACR's ResQLink View Personal Locator Beacon, but if you decide to activate this tiny floating PLB, you better make damn sure you're in need of a search and rescue. Middle-of-the-ocean or deserted-island lost in a boat or plane. Medical emergency. Being held captive by the Kraken.

ACR sells its pocket-sized, flip-phone-looking GPS-enabled rescue beacon for "situations of grave and imminent danger to life" only. Boaters, pilots, and water sportsmen can keep the devices in their gear kits, or on their person, over the long term with little disruption to their activity. The beacons weigh just 5.4 ounces and their longest side measures 4-1/2".

Hey, being "lost in the woods" could also mean lost in the woods of your mind.

Lighthearted and irreverent despite its serious topics, Consequential Dilemmas gives flowchart-styled counsel on heady questions such as: "Should I get married?"; "Can I drink at work?"; "Should I follow my dreams?"; and "Am I happy?" According to Knock Knock the flowcharts are for anyone at a crossroads who wants to guarantee they'll make their next choice "with pseudoscientific confidence!"