From Delightful to Disturbing: 15 Personalized Gifts
WARNING: A couple of the personalized gifts in my 15-strong collection of personalized gifts aren't just disturbing, they're a little NSFW. And the last one is both very disturbing and very NSFW. Because when I say "personalized gifts" I do mean gifts made in a person's likeness, but not necessarily a person's facial likeness. It could be their face. It could also be their name. Or their genitals.
Excited to get personal yet?
From delightful to disturbing, here they are, my roundup of 15 personalized gifts.
Note: Personalized gifts are priced as they were listed at printing. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
Personalized LEGO Minifigure
LEGO my head! Your personalized LEGO minifigure awaits, at least from the neck up, courtesy of your submitted photos and Funky 3D Faces' 3D printing skills. The Etsy shop will transform any man, woman, or child submitted into a sandstone material head with a 5mm diameter hole on the bottom. A hole in your head you need, for once, because it will allow you to snap your LEGO self onto any standard LEGO minifigure body out there. Cowboy, firefighter, superhero, Chandler Bing, George Costanza, you name it.
Personalized Book Sculptures
Hey, that's not how I expected to see my name in the pages of a book. How'd they do that? Book Art 88 creates personalized book sculptures - and redefines the practice of carving initials into a tree - by whittling out chunks from the vertical ends of book leaves in the shapes of names, initials, important dates, and everyone's favorite C + T-style inscriptions.
Meaningful Moments Portraits
Meaningful Moments is a collective of independent artists using standout and offbeat ideas and techniques to create one of a kind pieces for indoor and outdoor display. The Meaningful Moments Portraits collection consists largely of designers who use elements of nature to transform your handsome mug, or that of someone you love, into a unique piece of art.
There are DiVine Personalized Vine Portraits. Face The Forest Personalized Nature Portraits (lookin' good, McAdams!) Personal Island and Pebble Portraits. And, courtesy of Karol Wickert, Personalized Pot Portraits that transform your submitted photograph into "cannabis-infused work of art!" Digital cannabis, I'm afraid, not the 3D scratch 'n' sniff 'n' smoke kind.
Your Face on an Animal Cookie
You've had your face on a stamp. On a superhero action figure. Even on a super creepy mask worn by someone who is not you. But perhaps the best place of all for your face...uh, next to your head...is on an animal cookie. Not only is this medium edible, delicious, and addicting, but the philosophical discussions crunching on these custom cookies while high could generate about stuffing your face...with your face would probably result in life-changing enlightenment.
Parker's Crazy Cookies handles the transformation of flour, sugar, and non-hydrogenated palm oil into a low-sugar, low-fat, palm-sized version of you. Cookies are "printable" as people, pets, or logos/objects and typically sold in quantity, ranging in price from $0.85 to $5.99 apiece.
Personalized Glowing Life Bar Pin
Let everyone know how you're faring this year with a Personalized Glowing Life Bar Pin. The horizontal health meters charge up in sunlight, and then glow neon green in the dark at your choice of Full Life, Mostly Alive, or Mostly Dead levels. Get one of each to reflect the ups and downs of life, from fresh and ready to conquer, to barely clinging on (but ready to make one last stand, and go down fighting!)
25inch Inflatable You
25inch is blow-up doll meets...your face. Is it cool or weird to own a 2-foot-tall inflatable replica of yourself? If you think cool, 25inch.me invites you to grab your favorite headshot and upload it for transformation into an adorable, air-filled you.
And if you think weird, 25inch.me invites you grab your favorite headshot of your friend Cornelius - maybe the one of him passed out with some meringue and a drawing of a special body part on his face - and upload it for transformation....
Personalized Carved 35" Rawlings Baseball Bat
With these hand-carved personalized baseball bats, you can make damn sure anyone trying to break into your house knows it was Darryl - or Michael, or Cornelius, or Jennifer - who whacked him upside the head.
Looks like Green Tree Jewelry's 35" Rawlings Bats make pretty alright groomsmen gifts too.
The white ash baseball bats have room for Green Tree Jewelry to deep carve and laser-engrave up to 12 characters of your choice on their business ends. Bats come with a wooden wall rack.
Personalized Fart-Thwarting Candles
A personalized fart-thwarting candle. I know one household who needs this burning good scent blanket for the vile and death-dealing ones. Mine.
Many of you know I refer to my wife as She-Ra: Princess of Power. It's because, in my eyes, she is no less than a strong and independent, power-wielding and justice-dealing superhero. Who is also super hot. But who also has super strong and independent, power-wielding and justice-dealing, Super. Hot. Farts. And, I mean hey, she likes candles.
Potato Parcel - Your Face on a Real Potato
Never thought you bore much of a resemblance to Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head, eh? Well. Just wait 'til you see your head on a potato. Potato Parcel is a potato printing press that customizes spuds with the photos and images of your choice, and then ships them off to your selected recipients. Either anonymously or with a note explaining the tuberrific gift.
Your Girl Hugging Your Crotch Boxer Briefs
Not much to add to these boxer briefs. Oh, except for a picture of your girl - girlfriend, wife, crush, black-hearted ex Karen - strategically placed at the crotchal region so as to look like she's hugging your cock & balls. Cradling and keeping them safe. Doting on them like a furry kitten or wee little baby. And speaking of wee little babies, maybe Boo there is looking so loving and protective of your family jewels because she thinks you're gonna let some of their sparkle and shine out to start making some new family jewels. The kind that grow right inside her uterine forge.
Sorry to ruin the effect of your girl hugging your crotch for you.
Custom Zip Face Swimsuit
Some ladies have to get pregnant to pop out a baby, but those of you who love your boyfriends or husbands enough to wear their faces plastered across your bellies have only to buy one of these Custom Zip Face Swimsuits. Wear one to the beach or pool, and you'll be able to pop out your sweet baby all summer long. Hope you don't mind a C-section!
Personalized Freak Masks
Firebox will personalize these Freak Masks with your own face, or the face in any photo you upload and send them. They're basically Zentai suits for just your face - stretchy, breathable balaclavas that conform to all your bulges and curves for an effect that is, in a word, freaky. Whether you're wearing your own face or someone else's, using a photo of one smiling purdy or contorting their face and squinting their eyes like they're pinching off a fat one, Freak Masks' frozen expressions and weirdly smooth texture will ruffle and disturb anyone who sees them.
Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)
Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you originally had in mind.
The Wobbling Willy is an adorable little dildo man who's got manliness spewing out of both ends: a 7-1/2", 100% silicone-sculpted penis on the one; and a hand-sculpted polymer clay likeness of you on the other.
Custom Shrunken Head Replica
I'd say a Custom Shrunken Head Replica would make a great revenge gift for a frenemy, but given its cost and, more importantly, sheer awesomeness, I think I'd like one of Supermongrel Studios' ultra-realistic tribal trophies of and for myself.
Or maybe for myself, but of my ex-girlfriend Karen, who surely would have her head shrunken for real if she lived amongst the Jivaroan tribes in the Amazon. I could hang the replica from my rearview mirror to ward off break-ins, as any person who came face-to-face with an even scarier version of that evil scorpion of a woman would never come near another 2021 Porsche Panamera again.
Yeah, fine, 2016 Honda Accord.
Musch Musch Designs - Your Privates on a Pendant (NSFW)
And if you're not into your privates on a pendant, Musch Musch will also hand make (hand job?) photos of your very own penis, vagina, boobies, or butthole into a bracelet, a mug, or a 3D piece of wall art! Talk about a crotch shot jackpot!
To jack off, er, I mean kick off your Musch Musch custom naughty bits transformation process, you'll need to capture some choice photos of the body part you want immortalized. Musch Musch typically needs just one photo of vagina, boobie, and butthole requests, and would like them taken directly from the front. Penises are more workable with a 270-degree view, so you'll snap one image from the front, and one from each side (to the delight of men who dig taking dick pics).