20 Items I Bought on Amazon & Would Buy 100 Times Again

Scorching summer day. Lounging on the patio. Gazing at the lawn. What's missing? Hose, hose, hose. And a water outlet pimped out with an Aquor House Hydrant. Because the grass meeting your gaze is brown, and the marigolds are bent over dying.

Aquor's House Hydrant overhauls the water spigot with its flush-mounted outdoor faucet system. The hydrant allows users to instantly plug into - and out of - the faucet with a hose connector attachment, eliminating scraping knuckles and struggling with heavy hoses and worn threads on old brass spigots.

Even better, plugging into the House Hydrant automatically activates your water flow, and unplugging automatically shuts it off.

They're Dad shoes to the max, and they make me look like I have pancaked Sasquatch feet, but I love every thread on top and millimeter of rubber on the bottom of my Teva Ember Mocs. I've had my pair for a little over 2 years now and wear them for everything from running down to the garage to get something out of my car to scrubbing fungus off my balcony to walking 4.5 miles roundtrip to pick up an order of wine my wife says we "have to earn."

Oh Teva. You made the ugliest shoes I'll ever own, but I'll wear my Ember Mocs until I wear them right through.

And then I'll go back to Amazon and buy them again.

Vacuums are pretty cool. They allow us to rid our favorite chairs of cat hair. They allow us to determine the speed of light for use in mathematical equations. And, they allow us to keep our tasty beverages cold - or hot! - for hours. Perhaps as a complement their vacuum insulated beer growlers Hydro Flask created this line of vacuum insulated True Pints.

The 16-ounce glasses primed for backyard BBQs, hot days at the beach, or a night by the fire are Hydro Flask's fusion of the superior insulating performance they established with their water bottles, and the look and feel of a traditional glass pint. True Pint lips are even designed to make it feel like you're drinking from a glass rather than a puffed rail of metal.

And unlike glass pint glasses, True Pints are stackable without risk of sticking or shatter.

I have no babies to my name (that I know of) but I do have a relatively new niece to it, and after a quick Amazon search for "good baby stuff" I bought one of these Baby Shushers for my mother-in-law.

She signed up for babysitting duty 2 whole days a week to reduce some of the childcare costs for my sister-in-law when she went back to work. I told her she was crazy and would regret it after the first week. She told me to shut my piehole.

And then, 3 weeks later, she accused me jinxing her! Of sending bad vibes that gave the baby colic and made her generally fussy. And she was serious! I sent her the Baby Shusher as a counter to the "bad vibes," a peace offering.

The next time I was at her house I saw her show the Baby Shusher to a friend and call it "this wonderful invention the guy my oldest daughter married gave me." It warmed my heart. It was the first time I ever heard her leave out "against my better judgment" after "married."

Why does a monster under the bed have to be scary or out to get you? Why can't it be there to keep you safe. Or, in the case of the Monster Vault, to be a safe? The Monster Vault is a slim under-the-bed safe for storing jewelry, cash, and other valuables, and securing firearms.

The watchful eyes of the Monster Vault front a 3 cubic foot capacity drawer that slides open when unlocked, leaving the rest of the 140-pound safe in place under your bed (or in the trunk of your SUV.) The lock is a digital combination model you can program with a 3- to 8-digit code.

Have you gotten the new iHunch yet? The Backpod is a tool developed in New Zealand (so it's Kiwi green, naturally) to relieve the back and neck pain, headaches, and poor posture that can result from the hours we spend hunching over our phones, tablets, and computer. You could also have a lie-down with the Backpod if you're suffering from health conditions ranging from Tietze's Syndrome to asthma to scoliosis, as the spine-bender is designed to stretch out tight rib joints that can create pain and discomfort in the front of the body.

Position the Backpod under your spine at upper- to mid-back level and assume corpse pose for 5 to 10 minutes. The Backpod begins pulling the "hunch" in your spine back, opening your ribcage, and (re)creating perfect posture with use over time.

The Easybreath full-face snorkeling mask is a game changer for all the non-mouth-breathers like myself out there. While the Easybreath carries the same depth restrictions as standard snorkels, it frees up your nasal passageways and unclenches your teeth during use, removing some of the difficulty and nuisance that come with breathing through a tube underwater.

First, there is no tube in the Easybreath snorkeling mask. Instead of biting down on a chunky, intrusive mouthpiece that may or may not be laced with MRSA, snorkelers fit Easybreath's panoramic full-face mask over their heads. This enables flippering fully submerged through water while breathing normally through both nose and mouth. Despite its extensive coverage, the mask retains a 180-degree field of vision.

Also, as of March 2020, the Easybreath can be retrofitted with a Charlotte Valve to hook COVID-19 patients up to a ventilator in emergency situations.

I'm in the business of stayin' cool no matter what the temperature is! This wearable mini fan has a headphone-style design, with a rigid, wraparound plastic back that drapes over your neck to create a constant breeze in your hair during runs, walks, and searches for contrived Insta-worthy moments.

You can also use the fan's backing as a stand and prop it up on a flat surface. The 2 fans at the end have 3 speeds, and rotate 360 degrees. They're battery powered, and rechargeable via USB.

Ain't no practical joke more practical than Tirecockz. The ridickulous penis tire valve stem caps will humiliate your friend Cornelius (more than driving a Dodge Neon beater already does) but still protect his valve stems while he's spinning porkswords to get home to figure out how to make you pay for this purple-nozzled yogurt slinger of injustices.

Lean back, take a sway to and fro', and have a little look at the night sky with NEMO's Stargaze reclining camp chair. A portable seat that swings & leans, leans & swings, the Stargaze looks to help you relax after a hike...or a 6-pack...with a gentle motion and an auto-reclining mechanism.

You can set up the Stargaze chair on any surface, whether rocky, sandy, or uneven, without compromising its talents, and without falling ass over Darth Vader Tea Kettle out of it.

The Kindling Cracker was designed by a teenager in New Zealand looking for a way to make splitting firewood less likely to result in split body parts.

Her method eliminates the biggest offender, the axe, from the equation altogether. The Kindling Cracker design is simple, a cast iron splitting head mounted inside a 12" cast iron frame. To split, place a piece of wood inside the iron safety ring and whack it with a blunt instrument--hammer, mallet, another piece of wood, take your pick. Kindling Crackers weigh 10 pounds and stand 12" tall.

Radio-controlled tanks that fire actual BBs? Glass sliding doors beware. These RC tanks, which I don't even know how they're allowed really in this day and age but I'm sure glad they are!

The M1A2 Abrams USA RC tank is one of several modeled after some of the most iconic tanks utilized throughout history The listing here shows my 1/24 scale replica of the M1A2 Abrams USA main battle tank. It has been in service since 1980, and saw it's first significant action in the Gulf War.

The replica has a maximum firing range of 9' and a control range of 30'. Battery time is around 20 minutes, and it comes ready to run with a 300-degree rotating turret and 20 degrees of vertical turning angle. The M1A2 has realistic firing sounds and recoil action when cannons fire.

A 1/16 scale upgraded version of the M1 Abrams Tank is also available for $189.99.

I'm not the least bit embarrassed to tout my love of beating eggs. I got a carton of Tenga Easy Beat Eggs in my adult Easter basket last year, so I guess I didn't technically buy them on Amazon myself, but...well...not the first round anyway.

If you're wondering the same thing I was when I first saw the Tenga Easy Beat Egg, read on, and I will tell you exactly how the F this F'ing egg is supposed to jack you off.

Hint and welcome news: you do not have to stick it up your butt.

The Easy Beat Egg outer shell snaps off like an Easter egg to reveal, yep, a sweet surprise. Inside is another egg, this one made of a "super-stretchable elastomer" that fits over your favorite one-eyed snake to help your hand get the job done a little more pleasurably. The elastomer houses 2 things: 1) a wee packet of lube; and 2) your choice of a dozen different Tenga textures. With names like Wavy, Clicker, Silky, and Spider. Each textured interior makes for a slightly different single-use chicken-choking experience.